Illustration

Old things got rusty, dusty, and spoilt. Is the same as love. Old love seems to fade away when there is any good take carer, or misuse. When ever is being dump, ignored, and placed aside, is like not being appreciated. This is the feeling that I have. Trying much to save my self from beyond this is happening, but I know I can't. Eventually new things comes in life again when old was being abandoned. It was not I who abandon the old, it is I'm the old thing. I don't really feel I'm being appreciated anymore. How could this be? Am I such like a decorator? Or Such a lousy gf? Who don't know how to cheer up my ma ?  Make him happy? Make him feel relieve? I don't know. This word I don't know is also a trouble n cause of fighting. Sigh... 

What I knew was new thing started in my life about month ago. May I should be moving on too, without dragging much.. Pity....... 

Decision making

Just found out an idiot make a stupid decision. Well, is up to him to decide what is best for him to do. Maybe his decision won't cause him in great pain or relief. I do feel sad....
No choice for it because I have to respect each one decision. Good or bad, let time to decide. Weirdo, strange, uncomfortable, speechless, is all up to him.

May God continue to bless him and to see him thru everything he do. Hoping the best also for him.
With all love and regards, i have to agree if he voice out a decision.

Worst part

Dear Love Letter,

I'm willing to enter into relationship/marriage if you are able to maintain or sustaining a job with a fixed income. It really can't denied that u still have a part in me. No matter how, you are the one whom I can feel love from. The love that you pour is unusual love. The spirit you have for me is lively. Nothing can be compared. It seems so colorful when I feel in touch with you. No doubt there was a time, I felt boring and annoyed by you. Things you did seems make me unhappy at a time. Things has been change for so many years. Nodding means yes to loving your endless companion but Sickening heart of seeing you like a loser or someone who don't try to work out hard for life. The only thing I couldn't see is the security in and of the future. I couldn't bear to see my life while and after committed end up in such despair without working out to be and having a better future  with someone I love. All I wanted is not from mouth, but things from hand. The outcome of the work of our hand to strive for better future to have a better earning. I want my family to be insecure in-terms of money and enough for living, enjoy and relaxation. Isn't that the most simplest things in woman life? Wish to be love with the one who love them the most and to give them the best and fullness in life?

I wish for a better ending to strive together. Proving it to me first would be the best options because I was once disappointing by you. The first disappoint that you made was your first promise. I did let you tried for many times to prove to me, but ended up, I can't take and bear it. Is so painful. Is so memorable memoirs.




I really couldn't understand yours.

Thanks for your abundant care and love.

Love sincerely,
tamz18

My first thanksgiving on 2014

My first day happen by looking for coffee in the midnight before countdown to 2014. After searching so long for coffee place, and I ended up in mcCafe, mcD branch. Here I'm enjoying my night of coffee through 2014. It was splendor to spend such lil mayb half price for Starbucks, and getting nearly the same outcome. Not bad to hang out there.

Then, first breakfast was having dim sum. A good morning breakfast that suits Chinese. Then just hang out... While waiting greatest dinner I have in 2014. 

Y I say so? Is because I had dinner in Uncle Joe's place. It was awesome because he cook again. And according to him was his first time cooking Turkey. Yummsss... It was delicious. Glad for such awesome and great dinner on the new year. It also was a gratitude from him for my video making for LCM. Glad that I could offer help to him. It is me who owe them so much. Part of my pa n ma who took good care of me when I needed. 

And the thanks giving of first time of the year is so lovely, and great. All thanks to God who give me such close relationship with them. 

Bondage

I read about a book called "Set Free on Bondage."

I think I am in with my previous relationship that lasted for 4 years.
It was really a sign, that I had to let go. But I still thinking back of good old memories. Till now, sometimes I still compare that Ed is better than Nic in certain ways of how they treating me.
This situation causes me felt like in bondage with Ed. It seems like I couldnt let go, and stir by the evil temptation to think about it. Moreover his birthday is tomorrow. More likely I will text him.

Praying hardly I could be set free from this bondage.

Troubles comes,
Troubles goes,
Love come easily,
But is more painful to set free.

28th

For this year birthday was quite a normal one.


Glad that I had my secondary friends who accompany me on the 17th for dinner and it helds in Maiu, Sri Petaling. Seeing them was my greatest joy. I couldn't ask more for it. It was Tuesday on that day of which I couldnt remember that there was pasar malam. It just took me half an hour to look for car park. But still thank God, I found a good and nice parking place. First joy begins.

Second joy was, everyone was there happily eating. Though the food gone bad taste but still what kepts us happy was the conversation btwn 6 of us.

Third joy was, gift exchange from everyone as Christmas present. I got BodyShop shampoo, lotion and a scrub. But sadly, I gave away simple yet cheap stuff, not as expensive as them. :( And it ends the night happily and joyful.

While on 18th, It is my birthday. Just like normal, going to work, relaxing. Got a great lunch from my boss. He didnt know it is my birthday for I suggested to him to have a great lunch with me. And it was joined by whole company. 6 of us, Uncle Lau, May, Gavin, Summer, Veronica and me. Wow.. Going for a lunch cost Rm150 and I think is cheap by eating all out nice food! yummy! Thank God as well for this wonderful boss that I have.

After work, just heading church to park my car waiting for him to pick me up to Kuchai to dinner with him. Eating in restaurant@foodcourt. As he said was nice. He brought me to seafood. Kind of expensive crab  which cost RM72 per kg. Haha... Super expensive but having 2 crabs. And ordered a Lala.. All total up cost RM92. We also order a noodle, water and all total around RM100++. Too much to eat.. But I still prefer Klang. Hehe.. my preference.

Had a long night sitting down there to eat. Glad that he ate with me because he is kind of high cholesterol but still trying to cheer me up by eating it with me. =) Thank God for another great meal and time spending together. After that, it just end with fetching me back to church to get my car and head home..

Days of 18th 2013 ended soon when reaching home.


Be glad be joy,
For the Lord has prepared His ways.

imstillthinkingbackofpast.ofwhichitreallyhitsmybrainthathowmuchibeenthrough.2009-2013.countingthedaysareslowbuttheyearsarejustcomingwithoutknowing.andidomissitsometimes.unforgettable.

werecaledbabyduringthosetime.timeischanging......

Today's feeling

Today, my heart was kinda sad. Don't know why. I'm so negative of all things and I'm not really in mood to work. After some lil crazy chat with someone, I became more crazzy..
I can't really concentrate on work for the first time. Thoughts running wild in brain. Not working but just lingering around at work place. I felt bad for what I'm doing. Even my boss is like that.
Haha.. Funny and crazy crazy went through a day.
But around night time, I'm kinda happy and being positive again because I received his message, all the way from Bangkok. Not to say I'm worried or anything. Just the heart so down without a word from him. I jump my face into joy. I really could feel that myself. I just felt I couldn't make it without him even though i told myself to stay strong.
But most of all thank u Ed, for your support. Kindy appreciated. U did cheer me up, but not so much. At least  the cheer is there. Tears drop again when u cheer me up. Thanks.

I'm declaring I won't give up on anything for now! I will stay strong for now. I will try to pursue what I feel like is mine! Thanks my dear and people around.

Covenant Marriage

God’s Intent for Marriage

A covenant marriage is intended by God to be a lifelong relationship exemplifying unconditional love, reconciliation, sexual purity, and growth. A covenant is an eternal commitment with God. People can negotiate out of contracts, but not out of a covenant. The heart of covenant marriage is “the steadfast love of the Lord,” which comes from the very heart of God and “never ceases” (Lam. 3:22, RSV).
God intends for marriage to be a lifelong covenant relationship between a man and a woman. When a couple shares their wedding vows, they are vowing to God, each other, their families, and their community to remain steadfast in unconditional love, reconciliation, and sexual purity, while purposefully growing in their covenant marriage relationship. It is God desires to bring wholeness to families through covenant marriage relationships.
Genesis 1:27 says that, “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. And God blessed them and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over … every living thing that moves on the earth.’ ” When God “blessed them” in essence He initiated an action and then empowered the man and woman to complete the action. In other words God gave them the gift of a covenant relationship and then equipped them to be successful.
In Gen. 2:18,22-25 God acknowledged that, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.’ … And the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib, which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. And the man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” In the context of a covenant relationship that God provided the ultimate experience in “oneness” through sexual intimacy.
Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” How do you perceive your marriage? Men, do you believe God brought your wife to you? Do you consider her a gift from God? Have you considered that when God brought her to you He was expressing His love to you? God was saying, “It is not good that you should be alone so I have made a helper for you as an expression of my love for you and you are to love her as I have loved my bride, the church. You shall readily lay down your life for her, loving her as you love yourself.”
When the term “covenant” is used in the Bible it is evident that God is the one who initiates the covenant. God established His covenant with the patriarchs of our faith. God said to Noah, “Behold I myself do establish My covenant with you and with your descendents after you” (Gen. 9:9). God said to Abraham, “I will establish My covenant between Me and you, and I will multiply you exceedingly … God said, ‘As for Me, behold My covenant is with you and you shall be the father of a multitude of nations’ ”
God is always the giver of the covenant. We are the recipients of the covenant. We choose to accept it and remain obedient to the covenant God has established. The foundation for such a covenant is unconditional love for that is who God is. Our covenant relationship with our spouse should reflect, and in actuality can only be made possible through, God’s gift of unconditional love.

Elements of a Covenant Relationship

Covenants are the fruit of a loving, faithful relationship. The vows we exchange at our wedding reflect a relationship already bound by steadfast love and faithfulness. The degree in which these words have meaning comes in direct proportion to the unconditional love that dwells within our heart for the one to whom we are repeating them.
Covenant partners take responsibility for their actions. As partners in a covenant marriage relationship, we are responsible for our actions. An example would be to remain “sexually pure” in our thoughts and actions towards our spouse.
Covenants are based on freedom of choice. Covenant marriages are not built on coercion, deceit, and manipulation. Wives, submission is freely given and grows from respect, not fear and manipulation. In like manner, husband, choose daily to love your wife “as Christ loved the church.” You must freely choose to love and honor her in spite of the fact that you may not “feel” like loving and honoring her.
Covenants are rooted in actions based on choices, not feelings. Our feelings are forever fluctuating. Therefore to build a covenant marriage on feelings is to build it on shifting sand, which cannot support the foundation of marriage.
Covenant partners nurture their relation-ship. Our marriage will grow as we build up one another in love. This takes place when we value our spouse more than ourselves. As we experience the unconditional love of Jesus Christ, we are able to love our spouse as He loves us. Covenant partners administer unconditional love, forgiveness, and reconciliation while providing comfort and hope to their partner.
Covenants are based on commitments freely offered A covenant is built on selfless love, freely given and freely received. As strange as it may sound, a covenant marriage is one in which the “tie that binds” the couple together is a commitment freely offered with no strings attached. Paul said it well: “Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:8).

Bible quote love

Here again about LOvE

Greatest commandment

Common and most important point in LOVE! As God saids,

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13 NIV)

Love shown

Yes is true...

Love her

Can I just say this to u?

again and again… had a big fight with him not more than 2 weeks.

I’m injured again. this time is on my fingers. 2nd and 4th and my wrist. (not mistaken my elbow as well).

It felt the ache on my body again. and soon… it will be in pain again. don’t know how long to last right now.

it all started saying I talk to him with not a good tone. I acted to be cool.. My problem of talking to him. Which was according to him.

Im just answering what he asked and giving him a choice to choose. But all ended up, when guided him, he started the fire….

When being nice, telling him stuff, he ignored and acted like he know. If he knows, things won’t ended up so badly.

Choosing of leaving again of course…..

yea… I try to ask him to leave, but he couldn’t do it. So what can I do?

Defamed me here and then when he packed. Trying to say I’m this and that…

Ended up… more fight had been going on.

 

I hate man saying my past.

- got bitten

- got others

- defamed me

- I’m a bitch, slut and woman not worth to be with.

 

And as well, he pushed me down for many times in this fight. Which made me more angry and hate all this pushy stuff. Still kids? U don’t like, u can push? Is called idiot!

To be honest, I wack and slap his face is because he never listen and scream at me. The rest, I do was just being self defense.

What’s the different between slapping a person and pushing a person for few times? It is still the same because the heart is in pain.

 

Actually I’m really tired and sick of this relationship. I’m too confused sometimes. Is he really loving me or torturing me. I just don’t want to heart over obsessed with love. Is call stupid!!

I’m really tired.

Thinking. Pondering. Is all about heart feeling..

is now the month of May. And I’m kinda dilemma with things on my mind. As 2 years coming in 2 months time. I wonder how would I be, how would I act, how I contact him, all these has been running in my mind. Is unsolved. But the a year has passed since last year of this date 9/5/2010, I tried and requested him to be back with me. I guess, is also 2 years before, the same thing happen.

 

Is ok… I’m happy with what I have now just lack of some love. God said, be patience and wait. And the day will be arriving soon. How much changes he has been and how much he realized he was wrong in his past doing. I really wonder… Y God want me to proposed this 2 years of patience, would it because of LOVE? What happen if it is not going to happen to be a pleasant way? What am I gonna do. Smile and leave? Knowing and accepting new  guy?

I really ponder….

Maddy

lots of things had happen.

my temper is not getting good. I get frust easily…

Eg: a) My mum couldn’t come and pick me up on timing when I reach lrt and I have to wait for 5 more minutes whereby I had inform her earlier on to get her prepared.

b) My room light were good before I went out, and it got burst after when I’m back. It was my sis in my room playing with my comp dat time.

c) My lil sis using my laptop to play games online in FB. Which I couldn’t really tahan of she kept on asking me this… Which this is my personal comp. and I bought it myself. I wonder, if it get collapsed, who is gonna pay for me? Not my mum.. cause she is not involve in. But me? No way!!

d) After my lamp were spoilt, mum hired ppl to come and fixed it. That stupid fella dunno is a room or wat, trying to screw the light out and make my whole room dirty. Without asking for newspaper to cover all the dirt of whatsoever. Which make me clean up my room in the night after so tired whole day outing for GB, rushing for friends wedding. I wonder, did God hear me say in heart, that I want to change my bed sheet. =.=”

But I’m glad seeing Sarah’s wedding held on this day 16 oct. There was a story behind it. They were actually met 6 years before on this day. And A day before they met, Sarah pray for a guy who can take care of her. And it does happen. And she pray for someone like King David, the next day, a guy named David came. Haha…. Such a good God.

I wonder where is mine. :P Haha…

Wanting God to calm my heart so much. I know what I been thru and I need self control on me myself.

Tired……. ZZZzzzZZZzzz…………..

Big Day for Heng Kai and Ellie

Attended Heng Kai and Ellie wedding at TMC, PJ.

It was actually a rush day for me. Early in the morning 9am rushed to church to do a simple worship for the GB girls. Then have to set up all my presentation of the “Dedication of the Officers, Caplain, and Girls.” Am worried that they don’t know how to off the projector and etc. But I guess it all runs well. Because i receive no complain from church yet. Then at 10am, have to rushed home to fetch my sister to take her report card, walk up stairs of chinese school. How tall the building was with high heels.. Met the class teacher, I don’t really like her. :P But anyway, after that, fetch her to pack food then to Loke Yew Road. Wow.. Time speed so fast and it is 11am. The wedding start at 11am sharp.

By the time I reached there, I were late. I started with half way sermon. Really got encourage by the way Ellie told her story of hers and Heng Kai during bride shower. It was amaze. And I could really see how God grace move on day by day.

Love is always a big matter when 2 flesh unites together as 1 body. =)

promise again

things been thru.. sweet memories, love the kiss he gave me. love the hug he gave me. all around felt so comfort... dont even want to let go... but i know is all fated.
he still have his bad stuff and habits. i just cant go through with it.
felt unhappy everytime when he disagree me or go different wave length from me. It make me dislike. And my caution line is there whenever he came near. sigh...
hope he really change for goods as he promise 3 months time.
I shall then see...

song

Taylor Swift- Love song

is always my favourite song.

craving

wonder what is a kiss taste like?

and

I am very much hungry for MCD!