Hi. How are you? Kong here. When you receive this letter it would be few days since I’m gone. Well I don’t know if I will really die. The doctor told me my chance of getting better is very slim. I might just be in coma if I’m lucky. But if I’m not strong enough I wouldn’t be able to make it. I know it’s not right that I tell you this in a letter. But I just can’t face it if I tell you face to face. I can’t take the emotion that I might have at that time. And for the first time in my life I was afraid to die. I’m really sorry that you could only know about this after so long. Believe me, this is not the way I want it to be. I don’t have any choice. There’s so little time for me to do so many things that I haven’t done yet. And I don’t want you to see how I’m suffering so I thought it would be enough that I write you a letter. It’s a bit long though. But I hope you would read till the end because I’m letting you know what happened in my life in this letter. And how I became the person I am today. I don’t know if I will ever get the chance to tell you about this, so I might as well tell you everything in this letter.
Before this, I always thought that there was no use for me to be living. I’m all alone in this god damn corrupted world. And I didn’t fear death, not even a tiny bit. The day my family died, my world changed forever. Everyday is like a crawl to me. I struggle to go through everyday. Yes, my girl friend is still with me at that point of time. But losing your entire family member in just a day is too hard, especially when you’re still a schooling teenager. My girlfriend has been very supportive to me. And I’m glad that at least I still have her with me. Together with her sister, they tried everything to cheer me up, to make me forget the past and go on. For a moment, it worked. Until the day we found out that my girlfriend has cancer. It’s hard to describe my feelings at that time. It’s like I so painstakingly took the broken pieces, put them together, only to be broken again in the end. For the second time, I went blank. I really didn’t know what to do. It’s already a final stage cancer. And I’m sure you know what does that mean. She doesn’t have any chance of survival at all. I didn’t want to accept it and I bring her to places that I think could help her. I seek help from my uncles, find article online on what could be done and I brought her to the temple to pray. There is not a day when I could sleep in peace. I was constantly worried about her. She told me not to worry. She would be fine. And she was grateful that I am doing all these for her. She said that she is fortunate enough that I’m by her side during the times when she needed me most. I know she has no more hope to go on living. If she could she would just want to give up at that moment. I insisted that she continue fighting it. She’s suffering and I was selfish enough not to let her go. I just want to keep her with me. Then one day, when I was out, she left and wrote me a letter saying that she went to visit her parents. I didn’t think anything about it so I waited for her. Until a few days later, I got a call saying she passed away. It was just the same way when my family died. I was angry at her. I was angry that she was selfish to just leave me alone this way, leaving without saying goodbye. Just like how my family did. All of them left me without saying goodbye. Everyone just leave me alone in a sudden, without giving me chance to say anything to them. I got really depressed. I isolated myself from everyone. I kept to myself. Until one day when I decided that it’s too hard for me to go on alone, I took a bottle of sleeping pills. I wanted to just die. It’s a living hell. But I didn’t succeed. Ling got me to the hospital. When I got better and went home, she cried for a few days. I realized at that time that I was being a very selfish person. I know the feeling of being left behind without getting to say goodbye. I didn’t want Ling to go through that. So I decided that I would just go on for her. And to forget the past I kept myself busy with work. When there is no work to be done, I would just go to the gym. Although I decide to keep to myself, I’m still telling Ling about my stuff. I treated her like my real sister. To me, no one would care except Ling. No one would ever want to know what happened in my life. By now, people would think I’m just a stuck up person. Not bothering about anything other than myself. But I didn’t care. They have their life and I have my own. And it’s up to me to decide how I want to live mine. I took the wrong one. I chose to live mine in depression, thinking about the past and not letting go. Pretending that nothing changed and that everyone is still around me. I built a barrier between me and the outside world. I became a quiet person, staying at home alone most of the time and not wanting anyone to get into my house. I just wanted peace in my house. But I have been wrong all these while.
While I’m turning into a sulking teenager, my friend, the one I asked you to add in msn, stayed with me and tried to make me into a better person. Of course, I refused all of it. I kept saying she wouldn’t understand what I went through. But she didn’t give up. Then she told me about herself. She told me she lost her first best friend right after SPM. Her friend had nose cancer and told her that she wants to end the friendship. She was depressed. That was the first person she was really close with. She told me that her friend betrayed her trust. And that her friend didn’t trust her enough to stay with her, going through it together. Her friend just left her, not even letting her try to help her. She was heart broken. Her friend survived, but things were never the same anymore. They never got back to be friends. The hurt was too deep. Then in college, she got to know a girl in orientation, and they became good friends. They got really close. So my friend thought that she wouldn’t be alone anymore. She was really happy when she found a girl that could be her best friend. Everything went well until recently, they had a big misunderstanding. Their relationship was getting further apart, and now, they have nothing to say between them anymore. This is the second time this happened to her. So, I thought I would try to comfort her by staying with her. I said, “Hey no worries. I’m still here and I’ll never leave you. You have anything you can tell me. Your secrets are all safe with me.” She told me she appreciated that but it’s different with being a boy. Then I told her about my cancer. Of course, she’s sad that she is going to lose yet another friend. But she didn’t show it out. When I’m gone, she would again be alone, no one for her to tell her things to. That’s why I asked you to add her and make friends with her. I thought that when I’m not with her anymore, she would have you to talk to. I just hope that you two can be friends. Then, she won’t really feel the loss of me. I know I can’t keep the promise of being there for her when she needed me. So I thought that at least you could do it for me.
Then there was the time when I got to know you. I thought you were just like the other online players I met. It’s just in the game between us. That’s what I thought at first. But we got close talking in MSN. Yeah, we lost contact once, but then we got back to each other recently. I saw that you really cared. For the first time, I was happy to have met someone I can trust online. But the time I knew you was too late. I have only few months left. I thought of not telling you know at all about this. When I am gone, maybe you would forget me soon enough. I couldn’t do it though. You sincerely treated me as your brother. Remember I asked you once about why you cared so much for me even though you don’t know who I am, what my past is and what life I am living? Then you said that care doesn’t have to have a reason. I was really thankful that you would say that. Before this, I never thought that anyone other than Ling and Yuen Zhan cared for me. But you proved me wrong. You cared and you trusted me. And I did the same too. I thought it would be unfair if I just left you hanging not knowing anything when one day I don’t go online anymore. So I thought it would be best if I told you about it. At least when you don’t see me online anymore, you would know one of the reasons why. The time I told you, it’s already at its final stage. You told me you have ways to help me. And when I refused, you got mad. I understand why. When my girlfriend refuses I got angry too. I was angry that she gives up easily without trying. But she tried her best. She fought it. She’s just not strong enough. When I know I have the same thing, I fought it. Ling and my friend helped me. It’s just too strong for me. I can’t do it. I tried lots of ways. It’s not working at all. I went for check up regularly, took my medicine and lived a healthy lifestyle. Nothing helped. You remember the day you said you wanted to come to my house and just wanted me to sit and do nothing? I said I can’t because I don’t have much time left to be sitting around doing nothing. I went for check up few days ago. And the doctor said not much time. So I don’t want to try anything anymore. It’s just going to waste everyone’s time. You said I give up without fighting. And I just stayed on the ground. That’s not true you know. It’s not that I give up without fighting. I fought it for 2 years now. I seek all the help I could find. Although I refuse to meet my friend anymore, she still talked to me online and encouraged me to do my best and not to give up. And there’s Ling. She doesn’t know about this but she has been as supportive too. She cared for me. And I told myself I have to go on living to take care of her. She has had enough pain with her sister’s death, so I don’t want to add another one to her. It’s been painful enough. Although she doesn’t show it but I know inside her she misses her sister a lot just like how I missed my family. And I know that at some point she wished that she could be with her sister. I promised her that I will not leave her alone. Never will. But I’m about to break the promise in a few days time. And it’s not true that I torture myself living my life full of sadness and regrets. I did live my life to the fullest. You know the reason I like going to Pahang? It’s because when I got beaten up my sister would be there to wash my wounds. So I keep going back there hoping that one day when I got beaten badly enough my sister would appear in front of me again. Heh…I know its stupid. The time I told you I’m going to Pahang was the last time I would be there. I just wanted one last try. I know she will never come back but I just want to prove it to myself one last time.
The reason I don’t want to meet you personally is because I know it’s hard to let go of a person once you know them and meet them. I went through this. I didn’t want to let go of my girlfriend. It’s really very hard to let go once you know how that person look like. That’s why I prefer chatting with you guys online. It’s the same with my friend. I don’t want her to get too close with me. It will hurt her more when one day I’m gone and there is no one to be there for her anymore. When my girlfriend passed away, I missed her presence each day. I wished that one day she would come back and be by my side. It took really long for me to let go of her. That’s why I didn’t want to go and meet you. And talking to you is just as bad. On the phone I mean. So I thought chatting online is the best. You won’t get to know me personally and it would be easier for you to forget. I don’t know what you will feel after reading this letter. Maybe you would begin to hate me. Hate me for being so selfish. But I just don’t want another person to go through what I went through. I know you told me once you want to go through this with me and you wanted to be there for me. I didn’t want you to not because I don’t want to. It’s because there is not enough time for you to do so. The time you will be with me might be so short that you can’t believe this is happening. I don’t know. Maybe you don’t feel that way but I do. When the time you spent with someone is so short yet you enjoyed it, you would find it harder to let go of that person. That’s my perception of things. I enjoyed chatting with you online and I would really like to hang out with you one day. Yet, I know that the time for us to do things together would be so short that it would be over before we ourselves know it. I hope you understand me. I don’t want another person to grieve over me. I would already be breaking a lot of promises. I know I would break promises I made to you too. I told you I promise you that I would meet you one day. Now I don’t think that one day will come. I hope I get the chance but I don’t think I ever would. I wish there would be miracle but as you know, miracle happens only one in a million. And that one miracle that happens would certainly not be on me. So I’m really sorry for this. I promised you and gave you false hope. You told me you trust me. I think by now your trust to me would already be gone. But please trust me that I didn’t mean it to be this way. It pained me to think what you all have to go through. I would be hurting Ling, Yuen Zhan and you. Trust me; if I could I would never have wanted to hurt the 3 of you. You all mean a lot to me. Although the time I get to know you is just short, but I want you to know that you really made my life better. You did give me back some of the hope and you show me that someone out there does care. And life is not all that bad. Thanks to you I’m more cheerful lately.
You do remember that once I told you that all I want from you is just a few days right. It’s because in a few days time my system would be completely down. I’m already very weak now. I would need to stay in the hospital and go through observations. So before I lose everything I just wanted to talk to you. Then again, as usual things didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. You got mad, angry and you treated me in a cold manner. I was sad but maybe it would be better this way. At least you have a reason to hate me. If we meet under different circumstances maybe things will turn out differently. I’m sorry we met this way. And I finally know the meaning of not making a girl angry. It sure is hard to talk to her when she’s angry. Haha…Tough.
I volunteered myself to test for a new drug. Well it might work and it might not. But I’m not about to give out without a fight. If luck is on my side maybe I would survive. So if one day, after a few years you got a call from me, I hope you do remember me. Haha…That’s a too big hope. I do want to come out alive from the hospital. I hope there are no complications though. It will make things easier for me. I don’t know if you will ever see Ling anymore. I’ve arranged for her to go back to stay in Sabah. I’m just telling you so that you know. You said being a sister means I must tell you everything, if not no use being my sister. Don’t worry I promised you I won’t give up without a fight. You can be sure that I won’t.
As for where I will be, no one will know where. I don’t want anyone to know. I’m trying to make things easier for everyone. I know the pain of losing someone without being able to tell them how you feel. And I’m doing exactly that now. But I have to. I’m really sorry to you. I really am. I’m not good with words so I hope you don’t mind the way this letter turned out to be. And I hope I’m not being too emotional in this letter. Haha…Well until we meet again. Take care. I will miss you. Love you too.
From : Ng Meng Kong
28-4-2006
*Can you imagine, how cruel is this world? To took away someone who are precious? So, cherish everyone who is at your side.. let them know how much you cares for them.
