Decision making

Just found out an idiot make a stupid decision. Well, is up to him to decide what is best for him to do. Maybe his decision won't cause him in great pain or relief. I do feel sad....
No choice for it because I have to respect each one decision. Good or bad, let time to decide. Weirdo, strange, uncomfortable, speechless, is all up to him.

May God continue to bless him and to see him thru everything he do. Hoping the best also for him.
With all love and regards, i have to agree if he voice out a decision.

Worst part

Dear Love Letter,

I'm willing to enter into relationship/marriage if you are able to maintain or sustaining a job with a fixed income. It really can't denied that u still have a part in me. No matter how, you are the one whom I can feel love from. The love that you pour is unusual love. The spirit you have for me is lively. Nothing can be compared. It seems so colorful when I feel in touch with you. No doubt there was a time, I felt boring and annoyed by you. Things you did seems make me unhappy at a time. Things has been change for so many years. Nodding means yes to loving your endless companion but Sickening heart of seeing you like a loser or someone who don't try to work out hard for life. The only thing I couldn't see is the security in and of the future. I couldn't bear to see my life while and after committed end up in such despair without working out to be and having a better future  with someone I love. All I wanted is not from mouth, but things from hand. The outcome of the work of our hand to strive for better future to have a better earning. I want my family to be insecure in-terms of money and enough for living, enjoy and relaxation. Isn't that the most simplest things in woman life? Wish to be love with the one who love them the most and to give them the best and fullness in life?

I wish for a better ending to strive together. Proving it to me first would be the best options because I was once disappointing by you. The first disappoint that you made was your first promise. I did let you tried for many times to prove to me, but ended up, I can't take and bear it. Is so painful. Is so memorable memoirs.




I really couldn't understand yours.

Thanks for your abundant care and love.

Love sincerely,
tamz18

Today's feeling

Today, my heart was kinda sad. Don't know why. I'm so negative of all things and I'm not really in mood to work. After some lil crazy chat with someone, I became more crazzy..
I can't really concentrate on work for the first time. Thoughts running wild in brain. Not working but just lingering around at work place. I felt bad for what I'm doing. Even my boss is like that.
Haha.. Funny and crazy crazy went through a day.
But around night time, I'm kinda happy and being positive again because I received his message, all the way from Bangkok. Not to say I'm worried or anything. Just the heart so down without a word from him. I jump my face into joy. I really could feel that myself. I just felt I couldn't make it without him even though i told myself to stay strong.
But most of all thank u Ed, for your support. Kindy appreciated. U did cheer me up, but not so much. At least  the cheer is there. Tears drop again when u cheer me up. Thanks.

I'm declaring I won't give up on anything for now! I will stay strong for now. I will try to pursue what I feel like is mine! Thanks my dear and people around.

Past again

Why each time I encounter you were a different mood?
Must I be the one who always cares for you only?
Why must be every problem you encounter, you just put it on me?
Sharing is good, but why must be digging back  old stories and talk? How can I change past?
Past was past, it can't be change.
I have been done good. What else? Just because I did mistake doesn't mean I will repeat.
Same goes as you.
I didn't repeat and I didn't search for problem.
All these while is just you who never trusted a friend. Someone like me? That is why you don't have companion.

*My past is my experiences. Nothing to relate much with my current friend. I did what I should. Is just you who never trust and believe that I do love you before.

For now, I don't even dare to love. I could not open myself yet. Plus I don't have the opportunity to be loved or to love.

From beginning, till the day I broke up with u (3 years), I been loyal and faithful. During those time where we break off, in the middle are acception. There are so many things you could brought up to say is because u never really think of me, that I told you before during our break up. You tend to "having in relationship with me" all these while even until now. I hope you could make it clear.
That is why is so unfair to me. That I could not have a chance to meet guys or to get interaction back with my friends. I feel struggling with you. I feel forceful and I don't feel happiness.

I was guessing, in the relationship, aren't you suppose to make a girl happy? (when you pursue her?) why is it becoming like I have to do things to make you happy, which is the other way?
U seems like a girl. Having criteria of a girl. The books that I read, all are saying opposite? Or is just you who are different? Or i'm the character of a guy? If I am, I won't love you. Because you are being so negative which doesn't give any support or encouragement to the relationship. It will only fail the relationship even as friends right now.

Well, sad to say, no need to bring up past.

Just some thoughts.

again and again… had a big fight with him not more than 2 weeks.

I’m injured again. this time is on my fingers. 2nd and 4th and my wrist. (not mistaken my elbow as well).

It felt the ache on my body again. and soon… it will be in pain again. don’t know how long to last right now.

it all started saying I talk to him with not a good tone. I acted to be cool.. My problem of talking to him. Which was according to him.

Im just answering what he asked and giving him a choice to choose. But all ended up, when guided him, he started the fire….

When being nice, telling him stuff, he ignored and acted like he know. If he knows, things won’t ended up so badly.

Choosing of leaving again of course…..

yea… I try to ask him to leave, but he couldn’t do it. So what can I do?

Defamed me here and then when he packed. Trying to say I’m this and that…

Ended up… more fight had been going on.

 

I hate man saying my past.

- got bitten

- got others

- defamed me

- I’m a bitch, slut and woman not worth to be with.

 

And as well, he pushed me down for many times in this fight. Which made me more angry and hate all this pushy stuff. Still kids? U don’t like, u can push? Is called idiot!

To be honest, I wack and slap his face is because he never listen and scream at me. The rest, I do was just being self defense.

What’s the different between slapping a person and pushing a person for few times? It is still the same because the heart is in pain.

 

Actually I’m really tired and sick of this relationship. I’m too confused sometimes. Is he really loving me or torturing me. I just don’t want to heart over obsessed with love. Is call stupid!!

I’m really tired.

Bullying

At one very moment, I feel like crying. It seems everything trying to bully me.

Eg; the bus driver just told me, they won't pass by infront of house for 10 days. I was like, WHAT?? how am I going to walk everyday? And further more when I told him I'm stopping by behind, he just send me to the nearest bus station which is another side of the flat which is far away from house. How can it be? They didn't announce it.

My tears comes quickly. I felt the world has been abandon me.
Another case was Edmund case. How can he check on my phone again. This time more worse. He threw the phone, blamed it to me and scolded me with harsh word. How can I forgive him. His jealousy is getting more and more. How do I need to face him? Tolerate? Trying to let him do what he thinks is right? By then, I'm like a barbie doll! What am I for?

Everything trying to bully me. I'm hurt, sad and sick of all these. I can't take it anymore!!

God please help me, this little girl of yours need solution to the answer.

Sad Journal life